Feeling disconnected …

I know that this comes and goes, especially for those of us who have dealt with depression and the like. This is one of those times for me. The weather is finally changing to warm (though I have heard it might get cold with possible snow showers later this week), and I have gone outside and soaked up the sun’s warmth. I feel though that I am walking in a fog, like I really am looking into a fishbowl which is my life.

I think that it may be that things are still up in the air for me and it seems that a lot of my so called friends and family are hoping it will fall through. (My mother made it slip that they blame me for loosing the house and not the circumstances surrounding it.  Go figure. They won’t tell me to my face, they will just dis me and not listen to what really happened.  Just like my cousin who ruined our car because he said I lied about sending my uncle the titles to the trailer and car. He never apologized when my uncle said he got them.) What they don’t realize is that I NEED this.  The schooling, being away from home and family, being in another world that is not the norm for here or me. Yes, I have my uppers now, though until I get the partials in the next couple of months, I will be having a balance problem with them. I start back to work at the city museum and gift shop at the end of May, (though again I enjoy the work, I have problems with being around people) and I have still to hear about the schooling and apartment.  It is a lot to think about and have hanging over head. I plan to take the math accuplacer test at the end of this month and I get my last MMR shot in a couple of weeks. I want this all to fall into place but know that it may not.  If I don’t do this I feel that I will never get to know what I could have done or been.



We form our identities while we are young. I am not happy though when our identities are lost when we start our adult lives. We unite with a partner who SHOULD accept us for who we have become, yet as the years go by we find ourselves slowly loosing ourselves until we look into the mirror and wondering who is staring back at us. We are no longer the person we were but someone/thing which is no longer recognizable as anything but a non-entity.
Who are we? We are who we have grown up to be, or should have grown up to be, yet that is no longer there. There was so much more to us at one time but it is no longer there. What makes us individuals has been lost because someone who claimed to love us as we were, decided to change us … mold us into what THEY selfishly decided we should be.