I know that this comes and goes, especially for those of us who have dealt with depression and the like. This is one of those times for me. The weather is finally changing to warm (though I have heard it might get cold with possible snow showers later this week), and I have gone outside and soaked up the sun’s warmth. I feel though that I am walking in a fog, like I really am looking into a fishbowl which is my life.
I think that it may be that things are still up in the air for me and it seems that a lot of my so called friends and family are hoping it will fall through. (My mother made it slip that they blame me for loosing the house and not the circumstances surrounding it. Go figure. They won’t tell me to my face, they will just dis me and not listen to what really happened. Just like my cousin who ruined our car because he said I lied about sending my uncle the titles to the trailer and car. He never apologized when my uncle said he got them.) What they don’t realize is that I NEED this. The schooling, being away from home and family, being in another world that is not the norm for here or me. Yes, I have my uppers now, though until I get the partials in the next couple of months, I will be having a balance problem with them. I start back to work at the city museum and gift shop at the end of May, (though again I enjoy the work, I have problems with being around people) and I have still to hear about the schooling and apartment. It is a lot to think about and have hanging over head. I plan to take the math accuplacer test at the end of this month and I get my last MMR shot in a couple of weeks. I want this all to fall into place but know that it may not. If I don’t do this I feel that I will never get to know what I could have done or been.
I have (maybe) a chance to go back to college and follow a dream of mine. There are two problems with this … Well, maybe more than two…. In the Dakotas or at least where I live, jobs are few and far between. Not to say there is not a need for trade skills such as nursing, electrical, construction and farm labor, but on my end the four I have listed I can not do or rather have problems with. Nursing. I use to do in home care and helping those who were in the nursing homes. Problem here? I tend to develop gastrial/intestinal problems when working with people who are ill (well, to be honest when I work around people in general). Electrical/construction. What some people find a twinge when touching anything electric, I find it hits me like a ton of bricks, and construction, my knees are bad, I don’t do well with heights and I can’t lift/carry anything over 35 lbs. 50 lbs max as long as it is a saddle or dog kibbles. Farm labor? I am a 55+ year old white female. I still fight to find anyone who will hire me because I am neither male nor Hispanic. So I choose a duel course in CAD-CAM and computer programing… I am not being told that no one is hiring in those areas where I live (big whoop! As if anyone would hire me anyway in this town) and I have to work in a big city because I have to work at the boss’s won’t hire independent contractors due to the fact they want to keep the work as their own (As if I want to keep what I do for someone else!) so I am told that this is not for me. Problem is I have no interest in any other courses, and the guy I have been working with is less than enthusiastic plus hasn’t gotten back to me due to sever health issues! I am signed up with the college, but not sure if it will happen… decisions, decisions! Not sure what to do next… Just saying.