As I sit at the table looking out at the cold dreary weather, I glace about the house and see the dogs sound asleep on the sofa and floor. I think I want to join them since the weather seems to be having an adverse affect on my emotions and energy. I was told to use my senses to keep me centered … The person realized that I have always done this and most of the suggestions she realized were not new to me. So today, I will day dream of the ocean. The waves crashing against the rocks, the salty air which triggers an enormous appetite, and the warm sand that gets into clothes and between toes as I walk along the beach while the cold ocean water laps as the shore. Hope you all have a wonderful rest of the spring into summer…
Well, since the museum closed I am actually getting things done I have been wanting to do. I did a bit of fall decorating in the house and my shop (I moved my alter out here so I can have some “quiet time” with my deities.) You could say I was doing spring cleaning in the fall. I have shredded 5 bags of papers and receipts what were way out of date as well as going through my files and clothes. I set a goal of getting these done by October so I can start working on my crafts and getting ready for the spring festivals.
I actually started counseling, though the way they conduct it is rather not what I would call patient/doctor privilege since they are passing me back and forth between two doctors. NOT HAPPY about that. My husband said they may be trying to get me “over” my mental problems so I can go back to work. I know it will never happen so I wonder why I am bothering with all this superficial BS. I have ordered my coffees that I sell at the Christmas fairs so if I do go (which I don’t think I will this year) I will have inventory to sell. Anyway, that is what is happening today. Hope you all had a great Mabon (At least those of you who celebrate that is). Til next time…
Well, the structure is done. Windows in, electricity, flooring, loft (for storage) painted … Now it needs to get organized. What I thought was just my studio (which would give me a place for working ALL my art projects) has become our work shop/studio. IE I am relegated into choosing 1 thing to work on at any time (aside secretarial crap for him). He is doing 2 things, stained glass and minor repair of furniture. Anyway, my dreams of having a private workshop where no one hangs over my shoulder and critics everything I do (IE telling me I am doing it wrong because HE would never do it this way … ) has been shot to heck and I continue to have that annoying shadow following me EVERYWHERE!
I will be posting photos of the place soon as I get the camera out here. We still need a heater, shades and he is currently working on a peg system to hang the reeds for my baskets … Oh yeah! Did I tell you I was going to do baskets? Hope you are all having a great day!
Those of you who have a Kindle should relate to this …. I was looking for something fun to use on my Kindle when I take bus rides to the bigger cities (usually between 1 – 3 hours depending on where we go.) and I ran across a tarot app and a runes app. Both are free for the basics. I ran 3 readings on myself on two separate days. Just a three card/rune set up. No particular question, just a general all around reading to see what happened. All six told me that I was having conflicts, and things holding me back. They were right on the mark that I have been having doubts and questions about my choice continue working my summer job. I mean I don’t make much yet when I start working my husband’s medical gets cut. Even with the job we can’t afford the $175 ever two weeks for his puffer, so instead of getting ahead, it shoots us backwards to where I am further behind on paying off debt and such. So I made up my mind to change a few things.
1. I won’t be working next year at the park. Sure it is only 2 – 3 days a week and gets me out of the house, but it isn’t worth it.
2. I am not doing the job rehab thing. Sure it would be nice to get out of the house and actually earn some spending money, but lets face it. Those programs will not take someone in their late 50’s early 60’s seriously when it comes to learning a new trade or upgrading old skills! PLUS I can’t be working while I am training nor would I be making any money!
3. I will go back to my crafts and choose one (or two) that I can perfect at home and start selling over the internet and at shows in larger cities. My problem is which to settle on so I won’t get bored with just the one (or two) things!
After coming to this conclusion, I did another reading on both the cards and runes. Guess what it said! Basically that with patience and once I narrow my choices, I am on the right path and that I need to focus on that choice! How is that for a just for fun reading! Hope you all have a great week!
I know that this comes and goes, especially for those of us who have dealt with depression and the like. This is one of those times for me. The weather is finally changing to warm (though I have heard it might get cold with possible snow showers later this week), and I have gone outside and soaked up the sun’s warmth. I feel though that I am walking in a fog, like I really am looking into a fishbowl which is my life.
I think that it may be that things are still up in the air for me and it seems that a lot of my so called friends and family are hoping it will fall through. (My mother made it slip that they blame me for loosing the house and not the circumstances surrounding it. Go figure. They won’t tell me to my face, they will just dis me and not listen to what really happened. Just like my cousin who ruined our car because he said I lied about sending my uncle the titles to the trailer and car. He never apologized when my uncle said he got them.) What they don’t realize is that I NEED this. The schooling, being away from home and family, being in another world that is not the norm for here or me. Yes, I have my uppers now, though until I get the partials in the next couple of months, I will be having a balance problem with them. I start back to work at the city museum and gift shop at the end of May, (though again I enjoy the work, I have problems with being around people) and I have still to hear about the schooling and apartment. It is a lot to think about and have hanging over head. I plan to take the math accuplacer test at the end of this month and I get my last MMR shot in a couple of weeks. I want this all to fall into place but know that it may not. If I don’t do this I feel that I will never get to know what I could have done or been.
There are times when one has to think … Is this all worth it? Not trying to be cynical or even glib, but this is one of those days in the holiday season when I have to wonder why I am doing anything for the season. Now don’t get me wrong, I happen to like decorating, festive music and the like but when ideas fall short and money is super non existent and family doesn’t even try but expect you to carry the brunt of everything I ask you … Is it all worth it?!?!?!
As the year rushes to a close (again) I have come to the conclusion that we are relying too much on technology, and the clock. We have become a slave to time and technology and because of this we become too wrapped up in these things and let them rule our lives. I also seem to see that with the upcoming holidays as well. All three tend to stress us out without us realizing it. We become wrapped up in presents, decorations, fancy clothes/parties. We want to emulate those who have money and yet no matter how hard we strive to reach that perfection we find ourselves no closer and full of stress. When we get stressed, our reaction is to eat, binge, cry a lot and want to pull our hair out. We gain weight we do not need, and tension we can do without. I know. I don’t work in the business world, so I don’t have a steady income which may or may not rid me of some of that stress. I also have let go of some of the technology, or rather refuse it. Time? I hope that I am trying not to get wound up in the hectic world ruled by time and it’s restraints. I know that I am trying hard to become more comfortable in the world without being trapped by its hooks of having to do something by a certain time. I am trying to get my crafts out to those who might be looking for something different and yet not be tied down by the need for deadlines and money. It may never work out, or maybe it might. My wish for all you who read this is that your can find your ground and not be caught in the web which tightens its grip around us all and tries to get us hooked on all these things which stress us out and make us ill.