I know that this comes and goes, especially for those of us who have dealt with depression and the like. This is one of those times for me. The weather is finally changing to warm (though I have heard it might get cold with possible snow showers later this week), and I have gone outside and soaked up the sun’s warmth. I feel though that I am walking in a fog, like I really am looking into a fishbowl which is my life.
I think that it may be that things are still up in the air for me and it seems that a lot of my so called friends and family are hoping it will fall through. (My mother made it slip that they blame me for loosing the house and not the circumstances surrounding it. Go figure. They won’t tell me to my face, they will just dis me and not listen to what really happened. Just like my cousin who ruined our car because he said I lied about sending my uncle the titles to the trailer and car. He never apologized when my uncle said he got them.) What they don’t realize is that I NEED this. The schooling, being away from home and family, being in another world that is not the norm for here or me. Yes, I have my uppers now, though until I get the partials in the next couple of months, I will be having a balance problem with them. I start back to work at the city museum and gift shop at the end of May, (though again I enjoy the work, I have problems with being around people) and I have still to hear about the schooling and apartment. It is a lot to think about and have hanging over head. I plan to take the math accuplacer test at the end of this month and I get my last MMR shot in a couple of weeks. I want this all to fall into place but know that it may not. If I don’t do this I feel that I will never get to know what I could have done or been.
There are times when one has to think … Is this all worth it? Not trying to be cynical or even glib, but this is one of those days in the holiday season when I have to wonder why I am doing anything for the season. Now don’t get me wrong, I happen to like decorating, festive music and the like but when ideas fall short and money is super non existent and family doesn’t even try but expect you to carry the brunt of everything I ask you … Is it all worth it?!?!?!
As the year rushes to a close (again) I have come to the conclusion that we are relying too much on technology, and the clock. We have become a slave to time and technology and because of this we become too wrapped up in these things and let them rule our lives. I also seem to see that with the upcoming holidays as well. All three tend to stress us out without us realizing it. We become wrapped up in presents, decorations, fancy clothes/parties. We want to emulate those who have money and yet no matter how hard we strive to reach that perfection we find ourselves no closer and full of stress. When we get stressed, our reaction is to eat, binge, cry a lot and want to pull our hair out. We gain weight we do not need, and tension we can do without. I know. I don’t work in the business world, so I don’t have a steady income which may or may not rid me of some of that stress. I also have let go of some of the technology, or rather refuse it. Time? I hope that I am trying not to get wound up in the hectic world ruled by time and it’s restraints. I know that I am trying hard to become more comfortable in the world without being trapped by its hooks of having to do something by a certain time. I am trying to get my crafts out to those who might be looking for something different and yet not be tied down by the need for deadlines and money. It may never work out, or maybe it might. My wish for all you who read this is that your can find your ground and not be caught in the web which tightens its grip around us all and tries to get us hooked on all these things which stress us out and make us ill.
I hate crowds. I don’t play well with others, I love being alone in nature, I want to be alone…. These are the sentiments of someone who could make a great hermit. I think that might be true of many of us who like our privacy, and no one prying into our lives. What about you? Are you feeling like singing a song of hermits?
I have been bored with technology lately. The phones they are trying to get us to buy eat up more time and memory just so we can have “access to the world” information, Satellites actually give literally ANYONE access to where you are located at any time, and people can track you whither or not your phone is turned on. Facebook (I have heard) is planning to force people to give out information whither we want it or not, and are planning to make us pay for the privilege of keeping in touch with our families. I find TV filled with stupidity and lies. We are tied to our homes by tech, as well as our cars which are getting close to thinking for us as well. I made the comment to a friend that we should drop all the tech and go back to nature by going off the grid. He said we/I would never make it a day. I tend to beg to differ. I feel the only thing I would miss would be my music and keeping in touch with family and friends, but I have been without a TV since 2005 and have found it refreshing since 90% of TV are scripted reality shows, bleeding heart liberals who what us to cry at everything and give what money we have earned to those who refuse to work, or politicians. I do like my DVD’s, but if I go off grid, I would not have electricity for either that, radio, cds or computer. Funny thing, those I do not consider priority. Sooooo, who else could think they could make it without tech hanging over their heads or chaining them to their homes, cars etc.?
Today was warm with the sun beating down on those who ventured outside. It was a day for contemplating what we wanted to do. Fix up the property? Maybe plant a garden? How about laze about and soak up the rays before another May snow storm barrels its way through the plains? What ever the plans, it was a good day to contemplate what we wanted to do or were thinking about doing. What do you contemplate about?
Up in Bismarck there is a place called the Bread Poet. They have great breads, some of which are specialty breads, others are regular yet homemade. Well, last week my husband missed the chance to grab a Jewish bread called Challah. It is a braided bread with an egg wash. I decided since today we could not leave the house due to the snow storm (AGAIN!) I wanted to bake something. Since I am out of Plain Greek yogurt (an essential for my bran muffins) and the store was also closed today I decided to try a recipe I found on the web. Now I am no where near perfect when it comes to cutting dough into six equal parts, but the results were not bad! (Even if one loaf is bigger than the other!)