Not sure how else to phrase it. I am feeling lost, empty, not quite myself … I was hoping that this was getting better, and I don’t need pills to help me know what is wrong or why. Loosing sight of who I am and what I could become is becoming an everyday occurrence lately. I am feeling trapped, ignored, somewhat useless and irritable. I need to get away for a bit, on my own, but that will never happen. My trips out of town are becoming rarer as the days, weeks, months and years go by. I am asked “Are you happy?’ but the answer is hard to explain. I wish I could take time out and veg somewhere. That would be great, but not practical. At least I will be getting another camera soon. It may or may not help, but at least it’s a start.
A friend of ours had a funeral for her mother and dad today. We sat in the back of the church, only seeing a few people we know to any extent aside from the friend and her husband. Neither my husband nor myself are comfortable in crowds and we tolerate fools even less. Being cold out (my husband is susceptible to pneumonia) we stayed behind for a bit in the church. After about 15 mins. we had to leave. Both of us didn’t know anyone there except by fact and not one of them has ever made an effort to get to know us. We were not lonely, just alone, despite the 20 or so people attending. It is times like this when I am glad we don’t socialize! Funny thing is we have been in this town since 07 and there are only three or four couples who made the effort to return our offer of friendship! I wonder if they too feel the way we do and figure there is safety in the ranks of the solitary…
I was thinking about this while waiting for my mother’s church services to be over. You actually can be lonely in a crowd of people. Especially when the crowd is made up of clicks and other groups which are not anything you personally would be involved in or they consider you an outsider and refuse to give you the time of day. No one else may see it. They may see you as being the one who is stuck up, but that is because they are not experiencing what is happening to you. Or maybe they have and are afraid to step up and take join you. It is sad really. You can give all the ideas you want but they will put them then in front of you, change one or two words then present the ideas as their own and get it approved. This is the life of an outsider in a crowd of strangers who live in the same town. This is the life of a person who lives life outside the box called moral minority.
This is how I cope with being different and not a native in a small town. I avoid joining groups, create things, read, listen to music, dancing as if no one can see me and even sing as if no one can hear me. People give me weird looks but I smile and greet them, ignoring their hateful or even aloof stares. I even had one lady tell me I didn’t belong because I was too friendly. I no longer sweat the idiots who isolate those of us who are individuals. I “kill them with kindness.” I had a friend once who said she saw a sign once which stated “Smile, it will make people wonder what you are up to.” I take this saying to heart and it makes it less lonesome in a crowd.