It seems that the men of this town are at it again. One has left his so called friends in a lurch by taking a job without discussing it first and so abandoning a steady business he was suppose to be building. And I just found out that I may have a partner I neither wanted nor needed who is going to help “keep me in my place” by dictating to me how and what I am to put in my “shop” to sell! (no “pagan” items which to them include jewelry, candles, herbs, incense etc.).
It is funny how the people I had hoped would stand by me and stand up for my rights have turned on me and are now siding with those I told I wanted nothing to do with! These self same people pulled this back around 1992-95 when the got involved with people I said I wanted nothing to do with, and they basically took our inventory, sold it all and vanished leaving us with tons of bills that they, not we, ran up! Funny how after they said they would listen and trust me, they are pulling us back into the same situation as back then, and they still won’t heed my warnings! I am wondering if they will ever learn!
A friend of ours had a funeral for her mother and dad today. We sat in the back of the church, only seeing a few people we know to any extent aside from the friend and her husband. Neither my husband nor myself are comfortable in crowds and we tolerate fools even less. Being cold out (my husband is susceptible to pneumonia) we stayed behind for a bit in the church. After about 15 mins. we had to leave. Both of us didn’t know anyone there except by fact and not one of them has ever made an effort to get to know us. We were not lonely, just alone, despite the 20 or so people attending. It is times like this when I am glad we don’t socialize! Funny thing is we have been in this town since 07 and there are only three or four couples who made the effort to return our offer of friendship! I wonder if they too feel the way we do and figure there is safety in the ranks of the solitary…
I was thinking about this while waiting for my mother’s church services to be over. You actually can be lonely in a crowd of people. Especially when the crowd is made up of clicks and other groups which are not anything you personally would be involved in or they consider you an outsider and refuse to give you the time of day. No one else may see it. They may see you as being the one who is stuck up, but that is because they are not experiencing what is happening to you. Or maybe they have and are afraid to step up and take join you. It is sad really. You can give all the ideas you want but they will put them then in front of you, change one or two words then present the ideas as their own and get it approved. This is the life of an outsider in a crowd of strangers who live in the same town. This is the life of a person who lives life outside the box called moral minority.
This is how I cope with being different and not a native in a small town. I avoid joining groups, create things, read, listen to music, dancing as if no one can see me and even sing as if no one can hear me. People give me weird looks but I smile and greet them, ignoring their hateful or even aloof stares. I even had one lady tell me I didn’t belong because I was too friendly. I no longer sweat the idiots who isolate those of us who are individuals. I “kill them with kindness.” I had a friend once who said she saw a sign once which stated “Smile, it will make people wonder what you are up to.” I take this saying to heart and it makes it less lonesome in a crowd.